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The story of the heart

I've mentioned in previous post that I will come back to tell the story of the heart. As I already said, my anxiety is revolving around idea that something is wrong with my heart. That basic concept has a lot of consequent narratives, but let's stop and examine it for a bit. At one of my homeopathic interviews, I was asked to speak about the reason I came. No questions, no suggestions, no hints. The doctor was silent, looking at me, and I was supposed to speak. I was blocked, I didn't know where to start or what to say. After minutes of silence, I have started. Speaking of my biggest problem, my anxiety, which is making me paralyzed. I can't do some simple things. Staying in office whole day or going to the cinema is huge challenge. Idea that something will happen is omnipresent. My heart will fail and I will die. I will make such unpleasant situation for everyone. After I faint they will all gather around me. My body will be weak, pale and helpless. It is scary scene. I feel ashamed and disgusted. I prefer to die alone. Then some silence again...I said everything. What else she wants to hear? - I wonder. She is just looking at me, telling me to continue. I feel uncomfortable, I would like to get up and go, this is ridiculous. After some time I continue nevertheless... I speak about sensations in the body. I feel that tight feeling in my chest. Like my heart don't have enough space. Like I can't breathe. Or sometimes like it is open wound and it bleeds. It wants to come out. Sometimes is like a really sharp pain. Then really fast beating. Or skipping the beat. It get's easier when I can cry or scream. The worst is when I just get frozen in that feeling of fear. Waiting for shitstorm. And shitstorm doesn't come. Instead comes the tiredness, exhaustion, sadness. Feeling that I am crazy, that I am seriously damaged, that I will never lead normal life. Then silence again...I am now deeper in my thoughts, I got more into the subject. I continue... I went to heart doctors. They have checked my heart, it is perfectly healthy. I have sport heart, doctor said. Small and strong, beating slowly. I am designed to do sports, to keep up with big physical strains. Doctor is explaining that heart is super strong muscle, beating all our life without our consciousness. It is amazing when you think of it. It is part of autonomous sympathetic nervous system. It is reacting to protect us. Thus it reacts on our thoughts and situations. I wish heart can tell the difference between true and false thoughts and emotions :-) Then I continue talking about heart I am well-read girl I know it is connected to love, forgiveness, I wonder, am I closed to giving and perceiving love? That thought seems so harsh. I think I am able to love and I have a lot of people around me who love me. I am so thankful for that. But when I think more deep, there is some distance that I always keep. It is covered in veil of independence. As my best friend once said I am like autonomous republic . I can be part of something, but I am always ready to continue alone. I am not truly counting on anyone. It seems that my problem is that I learned to do everything alone. That is giving me self-confidence of course, but it is also alienating me. I wish someone can recognize that. I was not always like that. I was quite sociable, trusting and even naïve kid. I have started closing in adolescent period. I think in some moment I took life to seriously and my worry center was turned on forever. Then this anxious mechanism developed to serve some purpose for sure. I became self centered, just thinking about sensations and feelings in my body. They are stopping me from seeing the world around. They are giving me excuse for not doing things. They are not letting me be open for love... It is hard for me to speak about it. I am at the edge to start crying...

She is still looking at me with investigator's eyes and then ask me gently - Can you draw your heart on one piece of paper? And on another one, draw yourself. I have to draw. This interview is not getting easier.... She gave me two pieces of paper. I have started with the heart. Strangely enough I draw it like I have imagined it as a kid. Famous shape of the heart hanging on tiny little string. HA...why like that, she asked? Hm...I am trying to figure out. My mind travels backwards. I have clear memory of that image. My mom was always saying to my brother and me that her heart will unhook if we stress her. I have imagined it hanging on the tiny string that easily can break and get disconnected from life. Gee, kids imagination can be horrible. We looked at each other and started to laugh. But yes, we came to my deeper, unconscious belief. Then I continue with drawing myself. I don't know why, but I draw a flower that is sadly hanging downwards, turned out from the sun and the world. Keeping it's nectar hidden. It was like elongated tube, with few stamens peaking out. She then got up, went to the room and came back with a big book of homeopathic remedies. She started to turn the pages, obviously looking for something. In one moment she stopped and turned the book around. She found exactly the same flower there. I couldn't believe. It was digitalis, remedy for the heart.

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